Excerpts from Federal Employee Performance Evaluations

“Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.”
“His men would follow him anywhere but only out of morbid curiosity.”
“This associate is really not so much a has-been, but more of a definitely won’t be.”
“Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.”
“When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change feet.”
“He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.”
“This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”
“He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”
“This employee should go far — and the sooner he starts, the better we’ll be.”
“This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”
“This employee should not be allowed to breed.”
“This man has the whole six pack but is missing the plastic thingy that holds them all together.”
“He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.”
“He doesn’t have ulcers, but he is a carrier.”
“He’s been working with glue too much.”
“He would argue with a signpost.”
“He has a knack for making strangers immediately.”
“When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.”
“Is apparently very careful with equipment, as his tools show very little signs of wear.”